just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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