Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
