Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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