i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
