my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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