I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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