im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one might say we're banned from that church
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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