He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this is an emotional support booty call
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
