I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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