It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
