My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm having to shit out rocks
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
