She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
