i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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