my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
