Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
