hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
