Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
