if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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