You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
