I cannot find my penis.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So. Much. Porn.
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