You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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