I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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