I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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