i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
