So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it's like iHOP with fire
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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