You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
