just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We need to rekindle our bromance
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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