Umm I'm too high to move.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize