to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
