You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
