She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
