sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
