I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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