I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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