guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
