Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
