I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
