Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
