even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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