she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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