It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
