is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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