I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Cover your peen. We're going out.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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