he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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