Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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