theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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