Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains