I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
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I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.