I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.