hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
