I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
