Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
