He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
