dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
