Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
