I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
