I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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