Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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