He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
