Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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