At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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