Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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