It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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