No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I forget how to act sober
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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