I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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